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Q.I am a new mom, and just wondered at what age do you teach them manners? Also, what manners do you teach exactly? My daughter is only six months old, but I'm just thinking ahead.
Signed,
New Mom
A. Dear New Mom,
Manners are taught as soon as your child understands what you're saying. Also, children will need coaching and reminders on manners throughout their childhood. It's best to give positive reinforcement, that is, when your child does something right, let them know. When your child does something wrong, do not be negative about it, but gently tell them how it is best done and why.
Besides basic table manners (see link below), some general basic manners for kids are as follows.
10 Basic Manners for Kids
1. Waiting their turn and not interrupting other people when they are speaking. No one can be heard if there are too many voices at once. Gently tell them to wait until someone is done speaking, and then ask their question. Be sure and give your child your full attention when you are done speaking so as to reinforce their positive behavior of waiting their turn. While your child is patiently waiting, hold their hand or put your arm around them to let them know you are aware of their presence.
2. No name calling. Even if it's in "fun", name calling hurts. Instead of labels, ask your child to explain what the behavior is that bothers them.
3. Always greet someone when they come over to your house. Depending on your level of formality, you can teach your child to shake hands with adults who come over, but it's not necessary to shake hands with other children.
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But, your child should always say, "hello" or "hi" when someone visits so that the guest feels welcome.
4. Say, "Please" and "Thank you" often. It shows respect and appreciation. In addition, if they are thanked, then say "You're welcome".
5. Clean up after yourself. Whether at home or at a friend's house, always pick up after yourself. It's their mess, so they need to clean it up. If your child does leave a mess, remind them that they need to clean up before the next activity can begin, and stick to it.
6. Good sportsmanship. After playing a game (sports, cards, board game), no matter the outcome, be pleasant. If your child wins, tell them to not gloat or show off, but be kind . If they lose, don’t sulk or get mad, but be a good sport and tell the other child(ren) “good game” or speak well of them.
7. Take compliments courteously. If someone praises your children, teach them to be gracious and say, “thank you”, and avoid putting themselves down or pointing out flaws.
8. Opening doors for others. When going into buildings, allow elders to go first and open the door for them. When preceding others into a building, don’t let the door slam in the face of those behind, but hold the door until the person behind can grab it. Also teach your children that if someone holds the door for them, then remember to say “thank you”.
9. Exiting/Entering etiquette. Elevators: allow those in the elevator to exit first before entering the elevator. Same with buildings or rooms - if someone is exiting the building or room through the same door you are entering, let them exit first.
10. Respect differences. When people do things differently from your family because of diversity in culture, race, or religion, then teach your child respect. Point out how interesting it is or how different families do different things. Families have their own traditions or rituals and it is important and has meaning for that family. |
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When children are polite, kind, and honest, they develop character--and make their parents look good. Plus, mannered children grow into mannered adults.
Being polite
1. When our children see us being polite to others, they are given the best role model . If we expect this of our children, we should also say “please” and “thank you” when asking them to do something. Too often I’ve found myself ordering or demanding my daughter do something, then turning around and complaining when she does the same to me.
2. Point out when another child has done something nice and say, “Wasn’t that a polite thing to do?” Always recognize your child’s polite moments. Praise her for her good manners. My daughter’s favorite thing to do while we are at the post office is to open the door for others. She is amazed and disappointed at how few adults thank her. When a child, any child, is polite to you, remember to acknowledge them. By doing so, you’re reinforcing polite behavior.
3. Use a toy telephone to teach your child phone manners. It’s best if they do not answer your phone until they understand proper phone etiquette. It may sound cute to you, but not to the person calling, when a child yells into the phone: “Who is this?” or “What do you want?” Once you begin allowing him to answer the phone, make up a small list to set beside the phone giving him instructions.
1. “Hello, Lay residence?”
2. If the caller asks for someone else in the house, say, “Just a minute please” and take the phone to the right person.
3. If not available, ask to take the caller's name and number and write it down. Or, ask the caller to please call back.
4. Remember, NEVER tell anyone that a parent isn’t home. Tell caller the parent is “not available.” |
Kindness counts
1. Kindness to animals can be taught at an early age by showing babies and toddlers how to pet and be gentle with stuffed animals. The same technique can show them how you are kind to your animals. Model kind and gentle behavior with pets. Then watch how your child reacts to other people’s pets. If your child seems afraid or unnecessarily rough, perhaps he is not ready for a pet in the home.
2. No one likes to be teased or mistreated. Never make fun or ridicule another person in your child’s presence. Talk to your child about feelings and how everyone has them. Refrain from telling or laughing at ethnic jokes. If your own child is teased by another, encourage him not to respond similarly, but to think of all those who are kind to him.
3. Chldren often show their anger by hitting or screaming at other children. Teach them how to properly handle anger toward others. Encourage your child to clasp her hands together and count to ten in a silly way whenever she is mad: “One elephant toe, two elephant toes…”
Honesty--more than the best policy
1. Encourage honesty in your children. Tell them how sad someone must be to have lost what your child has found, whether it’s money or a toy. A lost dollar bill may not seem like much, but honesty in the little things instills a desire to be honest in bigger ways. I’m amazed and humbled at how my daughter will go out of her way to give a dropped penny or quarter to a customer ahead of us in line. As with other issues, I always try to let her see me return the incorrect excess change, stamps, or other items I may be given.
2. If you know your child is lying, don’t accuse. Instead, tell him how special the truth is and how proud you are when he is truthful. Then wait for his conscience to go to work.
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Q.I've decided to let my kids have cell phones, but I'm serious about making sure they use them not only responsibly, but also politely. What are the cell phone use ground rules I should
be teaching them?
A. Before handing cell phones over to your children, ask them what rules of etiquette they believe should apply to cell phone use. Talk to them about rules for public situations and rules
for social and family settings. Make your own list of rules.
To begin your discussion, use the following list regarding public places:
More from HealthyKids.com
1. Ways to Raise Responsible Kids
2. Should Parents Use Cell Phones to Monitor Kids?
3. A-Z Kids' Health Center
4. Quiz: Are You Raising a Responsible Child?
5. FREE Ages & Stages Newsletter
1. Not in libraries, movies, elevators, museums, cemeteries, theaters, dentist or doctor waiting rooms, places of worship, auditoriums, hospital emergency rooms, or public transportation.
2. Never during meetings or in restaurants.
3. No annoying ring tones.
4. Never when shopping, banking, waiting in line, or when conducting other personal business.
5. Never when driving.
6. Never talking when less than 10 feet from others present.
Regarding social or family situations, discuss with your kids:
1.When should an incoming call take priority over the situation at hand?
2.What if someone taking a call is just trying to impress others? |
3. What would happen if everyone had unbridled use of their cell phones -- think of the chaos during dinner, birthday parties, holiday celebrations, or when watching a movie together.
4. Would it be okay to let incoming calls interrupt conversations regarding values, discipline, or when reviewing the family calendar?
To Answer or Not to Answer
It's important to let your children know that when a person steps out of a social or familial situation to use a mobile phone,they keep themselves from experiencing the moment; cell
phones can become a constant pending (and sometimes realized) distraction. With voice messaging, there's no need to take every call or even to check to see who's calling.
You'll need to teach your children to make a call by excusing himself or herself. When anticipating an important call, teach them to warn the people they're with that an important call
will be coming in and, therefore, you'll need to step away to receive it.
Together develop cell phone protocol for inside your home. You might want to establish "quiet zones" and "phone-free" areas and times.
Q. Are You Chatting in Front of the Kids?
A. Of course, you'll need to model appropriate mobile phone use; quality time with your kids does not count if you're on the phone. It's not okay to take your kids to the park or on a walk to spend your time yakking on the phone. One of the best times to talk with children (before they acquire heir own licenses) is when driving in the car. If you're on your cell phone, how can you carry on a conversation with your child sitting next to you?
Technological changes lead to social change, but there's always a lag. While members of society are busy using cell phones, manners for doing so need to reflect this increased use. Most important, teach your child that having loud cell phone conversations in public or in your own home is simply rude. The convenience of cell phones has led many to become lazy and tolose awareness of themselves, others, and their surroundings: Try to avoid this phenomenon with your kids.
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Brian Bell was showering with his son, Colin, at the downtown Toronto YMCA, when the irrepressible four-year-old glanced over at a man showering nearby, then did a double take.
Finally he raised one blunt finger, pointed at the hapless stranger and shrilled, "Daddy, why is that man's penis so red?"
It was an innocent question, and later, Bell was able to see the humour in it. At the time, he says, "I physically moved Colin's finger down. Then I turned him around to face me and, speaking in a quiet voice so he would understand that this was a conversation between him and me, I just explained that sometimes when men are in a hot shower for a long time, they get red penises." Bell, who puts strong currency in manners, also used the incident to lay out some basic rules of decorum. He calmly told Colin that people don't usually like to be pointed at. "I said he could ask me anything he wants - it was a good question - but he should just ask me."
What parent has not faced a similar situation? Children are naturally curious and equally uninhibited, so embarrassing questions or comments are bound to pop up. According to Lori
Benjamin, program director of World Class Etiquette, a Calgary organization that holds courses in manners for both children and adults, Bell handled the incident nicely. "You can't get angry with a child because he honestly doesn't know that he's doing anything wrong," she says. "You just try to make sure that he understands the rules so he doesn't make the same 'mistake' next time."
Manners, whether the table or the social variety, need to be taught, says Benjamin. And that's a task that today's parents sometimes balk at. Most of us are products of the let-it-all-hang-out 1960s, and we have a tendency to reject rigid codes of behaviour, she points out. But Benjamin prefers to define manners as "a philosophy of respect," and the finer points of etiquette as the way to express that respect. What's more, she says, children who aren't equipped with social graces are likely to have a more difficult time with friends, family and teachers. "When you teach your children manners, you're giving them some lifelong survival skills."
The key from the beginning, according to Marianne Drew-Pennington, executive director of West Side Family Place, a Vancouver parent-resource centre, is to treat your children with the same respect you expect from them. "Children learn primarily by example," she says. "You can't be rude to them and then expect them to be polite to other people."
When teaching manners, Seattle-based parent educator Elizabeth Crary says it's also important to keep your expectations in line with your child's development. Some toddlers may learn to say "milk please" as easily as saying "milk," but others can barely articulate what they want, so it's not reasonable to expect them to be polite as well. Similarly, it might be plain unrealistic to expect a three-year-old to learn not to interrupt while you're on the phone. Instead, suggests Crary, "make it possible for him to act appropriately by keeping aside a special activity or toy which he only gets when you're on the telephone."
Something else that plays a role in how quickly your child picks up rudimentary etiquette is temperament. Generally, says Crary, quiet and reserved children appear more mannerly, while rambunctious, intense children seem less so. On the other hand, the reserved child may be so shy that greeting strangers by saying hello and looking them in the eye is torture. It's going to take a lot of encouragement, and probably a little extra time, for the shy child to learn that skill and for the boisterous child to resist blurting out whatever comes into his head. Says Crary, "You can make it worse as a parent, or you can make it better, but you can't change their internal wiring."
As children mature emotionally, they should begin to clue in to other people's feelings, so they'll become more inclined to show courtesy and less inclined to spout embarrassing questions and ill-mannered comments. If not, says
Drew-Pennington, "there's nothing wrong with being
honest." Let them know that they can hurt other people's feelings with their words, and if they're rude to a playmate or
his parents, they may not be invited back. Encourage them to
greet their friends politely, to say "thank you for coming" when their guests depart, and "thanks for having me over" when they leave a playmate's house. |
"Excuse me" is another key phrase and children should have a good idea of when and where to use it. Benjamin recalls the time a little girl enrolled in her course gave her classmate a shove and said, "Move!" After the incident, Benjamin asked, "Could you have said that more politely?" The child thought for a moment and then said, "Move please?" Hmmm. Benjamin thought for a moment. "That's a little bit better, but how about saying 'excuse me?' " Whereupon the child replied, "Why would I say that? I didn't burp." "She honestly didn't know," says Benjamin. "They can't know if you don't teach them."
Around early school-age, many kids will be ready to grasp the difference between tact and lying, says Crary. When, for example, a child receives a gift she doesn't like, you don't want her to say "yuck!" but neither should you encourage her to say "oh thank you, I love it" when she really doesn't. Instead, give her some tools that allow her to be honest without being rude.
Saying "Thank you for thinking of me" or simply "thank you" allows her to be gracious and sincere.
While it may be unreasonable to expect elegant dinner manners from young children, by this stage you should also be able to count on some degree of civility. But, says Benjamin, "it still helps to coach them. Be sure to discuss situations beforehand and make your expectations known." When Bell and his wife, Carla, meet his father for dinner with their children, Rebecca, six, Colin, and Katie, nine months, they hope the older two, at least, will be on their best behaviour.
But instead of just saying "behave nicely," the couple tries to be as specific as possible about what they're looking for. If Colin acts up in some way, they'll address that directly ("please keep your food on the plate"), but with Rebecca, says Bell, "it's enough to say, 'Rebecca, you know how to behave.' She knows what she's doing wrong."
While manners are important, if you're constantly harping on your children, you may turn them off the whole process. "I think if you can just work on one thing at a time, then the idea of using manners is at least planted," observes Drew-Pennington.
Lecturing, she says, is counter-productive because children can only take in so much. Bell agrees: "When even I get tired of listening to myself, I try to inject a little humour into the
situation." If Colin is diving under the table during dinner, for example, Bell will ask, "What exactly are you looking for down there? Are you looking for dogs? Are you looking for squirrels?
You're obviously not looking for your dinner, because your dinner's up here." Bell's playful approach often brings a giggle and some co-operation.
As well, advises Drew-Pennington, take every opportunity to praise polite behaviour. Comments like "It sounds so nice when you remember to say 'please' and 'thank you,' " or "I think it made Aunt Mary feel good when you told her you liked her present" let your child know that his efforts make a real
difference.
Past about seven or eight, you just may find some of your guidance paying off. Around this age, children often delight their parents with their growing sense of empathy, their willingness to introduce themselves and others, and their improving table manners. It helps, says Toronto mother Gail Hill, if you sit down together for dinner, giving kids the opportunity to hone their skills at home. Hill recently witnessed her older daughter, Levon, 13, giving a manners primer to one of eight-year-old Ruby's friends. After watching the child pick up his spaghetti with his fingers, inadvertently scatter it the length of the table and chew loudly, Levon finally spoke up. "Sam," she said, with as much diplomacy as she could muster, "could we teach you some table manners?"
"Sure," replied Sam, whereupon Levon launched into a detailed set of instructions: "Number one," she said, "we chew with our mouths closed. Number two...." Sam wasn't at all put out, and Hill was amused and a wee bit gratified. "A few years ago, I would never have believed there would be a day when my daughter would be instructing someone else about manners!" |
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It seems as though we are surrounded by violence and cruelty. According to the National Crime Survey, almost 3 million crimes occur on or near school campuses every year; that's 16,000 per school day, or one every 6 seconds. A recent study on domestic violence found that many high school boys thought it was all right for a boy to strike his girlfriend if she angered him; meanwhile, during the early 1980's, nearly 17,000 people were killed by their domestic partners.
In a world where violence and cruelty seem to be common and almost acceptable, a lot of parents wonder what they can do to help their children become 'kinder and gentler'--to develop
a sense of caring and compassion for others. Raising kids who care isn't a solution to violence by itself, but you might worry that being exposed to a lot of violence -- whether it's on
television or on the streets -- could make your children 'hard' and uncaring.
Parents, of course, can't completely control all of the things that affect their children's lives -- after all, children spend a lot of time out in the 'real world' which can often be harsh, uncaring, or just plain unhappy -- and children have their own personalities and characteristics that parents can't change or control. But there are some things that a parent can try to help
encourage their children to become caring, just and responsible.
Q. Are Children 'Naturally' Caring?
People sometimes think that children don't really 'see' the outside world -- or other people -- the way adults do, that they view the world from their own eyes and in their own way. But is
this true?
Researchers used to believe that a sense of real caring about others came as people grow into adulthood. But now studies are finding that children can show signs of empathy and concern from a very early age.
For example, a study by psychologists Carolyn Zahn-Waxler, Ph.D., Marian Radke-Yarrow, Ph.D., and Robert King, Ph.D. observed children whose parents were hurt somehow -- either
physically (e.g. father having a bad headache) or emotionally (e.g. mother received bad news and was crying). They discovered that even very young children had a pretty well-developed sense of empathy.
They reacted with concern, wanting to help or 'fix' the problem, and they offered comfort and compassion to the parent who was hurt.
For instance, one mother had an argument with her husband and began crying. Her daughter, who was 21 months old, came and sat on her lap and became very physically affectionate:
'Then she leaned over, and kissed me on the forehead. And that just cleared up all the depression, and I reached over and hugged her. And then she began to smile, and she looked
relieved.'
It isn't just young children who have these kinds of reactions. And it isn't just for their parents that they have these feelings. A few years ago, a twelve-year-old Philadelphia boy opened his own shelter for homeless people. Many studies have shown that children respond quickly and with concern to a classmate, friend, family neighbor, or to a stranger, who is being hurt. It's well known, too, that children have a natural affinity for animals and a desire to help them.
One study, by Ziporah Magen, Ph.D., and Rachel Aharoni, Ph.D. found that teenagers who were involved in helping others felt very positive about their lives and had high hopes for their own
futures. 'It was a wonderful feeling,' reported one student in this study. 'My feeling as free as a sparrow made me feel glad and happy and that life is an exciting thing.'
Q. What Can Parents Do?
Let them Know How You Feel
The most important thing you can do is to let your children know how much it means to you that they behave with kindness and responsibility. When you catch your child doing something that you think is thoughtless or cruel, you should let them know right away that you don't want them doing that. Speak to your child firmly and honestly, and keep your focus on the act, not on the child personally: something along the lines of 'What you did is not very nice' rather than, 'YOU
are not very nice!'
It's important to let you children know how deeply you feel about their behavior toward others. If they see that you have a real emotional commitment to something, it's more likely that the issue will become important to them, too. This emotional reaction needs to be accompanied by information: some explanation of why you disapprove ; for example, 'Look, Joey is crying. He's crying because you took his toy away. That wasn't a very nice thing to do!' or 'It hurts the cat when you do that; that's why he scratched you. It isn't kind, and I don't want you to do that anymore!'
Be frank, honest and upfront with your kids about what kind of behavior you do and don't like. Also, keep it short and to the point; the idea is to teach them, not the make them feel guilty!
Role Modeling
According to a study by psychologists E. Gil Clary, Ph.D. and Jude Miller, Ph.D., there are two kinds of parental role modeling that help teach children to be caring: kindness to others, and
kindness to the child. |
In other words, actions speak louder than words.If you are consistently caring and compassionate, it's more likely that your children will be too. Children watch their parents, and other adults, for clues on how to behave.
Keep in mind that if you say one thing and do another, your children will pay a lot more attention to what you do. The old warning 'Do as I say, not as I do' simply does not work,
particularly when it comes to teaching about caring.
Not everyone has time to devote to volunteer work or money to donate to causes, but there are small acts of caring that can be part of your family's life. These acts of caring don't have to be grandiose. Doing a favor for a neighbor, taking a stray animal to a shelter, giving money and a kind word to a homeless person, helping out when a group of teenagers are cruelly teasing a classmate; there are all kinds of small acts of compassion that you children can watch you do, and even take part in themselves.
Try to surround your children with other people who are kind and caring, so that they have several role models.
Another thing you can do is try to find organized ways for your children to get involved. Let them know about places in the community where they can volunteer, and encourage them to
join. Many volunteer organizations and churches have special programs for young people and even for children.
You and Your Child
If you treat your children with respect for their dignity, with concern and with regard for their achievements -- you help them understand that all living creatures should be treated with
dignity and concern.
One part of this is to reward your children for acts of kindness. Psychologist Julius Segal, Ph.D., points out that just as it's important to let them know how strongly you feel about their unkind acts, it's important to let them know how highly you regard their kind ones. For instance: 'I saw you take care of the boy who fell on the playground. That was very kind of you, and it makes me feel very proud.'
Q. What About Effects of the Outside World?
Parents understandably worry that their effort at home can be undermined by outside influences, such as their children's friends, daily violence in their own neighborhoods, television
shows and movies, or a culture that exalts 'heroes' who are selfish.
There are a few things that you can do to help counteract these influences, for instance:
1. Give them books that promote compassionate behavior. Keep in mind, though, that kids -- especially teenagers -- don't like characters who are 'goody-two-shoes,' so look for books
about 'ordinary' characters who perform acts of caring and concern.
2. A study at the National Institute of Mental Health found that children who see kindness on television tend to imitate it. For this reason, you may want to limit their viewing of violent
programs and encourage them to watch shows that promote ideas about caring and helping.
3. Find out about the movies your children want to see: are they excessively violent, do they glamorize criminals or people who 'get ahead' at the expense of others, do they glorify violence to people or animals? While you can't shield your children from everything, a little discussion can go a long way. Ask them to think about what they saw and to consider other approaches the characters might have taken.
4. Educate your children about famous altruists. Local museums can provide an inexpensive and enjoyable way to do this, as can television specials and books. Talk to them who they admire, and why.
Q. Can Children Become Too Sensitive?
If your child is confronted with the harsher realities of life everyday, you might wonder whether it's a good idea to let then see even more suffering and distress. Other parents might worry that exposing kids to a harder side of life that they've never seen could traumatize the children.
These are understandable fears, and according to some experts, there are cases when children can become sensitive to the suffering of others. This is particularly true of children who are already emotionally fragile.
Not all giving is healthy for the giver; if a child starts placing the needs of other above his own, this could be a sign that perhaps he or she is giving too much.
Several schools have adopted 'caring courses' for children, taking students to nursing homes and to help the disabled, and many humane societies have instituted children's 'compassion
clubs'. You can also see numbers of children at political rallies and marches for various causes. Generally speaking, children who participate in these activities have not been traumatized; for the most part, they have adopted compassion and caring into their everyday lives and feel very rewarded by the experience. You as the parent can best judge when your child seems overly distressed.
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School etiquette means having
standards
of acceptable behaviour by
children in
various situations at school
in which they must co-operate with and
show respect for their teachers, the
other children and all adults.
Good discipline is a prerequisite of kids
to enable school teachers to be able to
teach a group of children the skills they will rely on for the rest of their lives. |
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If School Etiquette in its many aspects is not spelt out for them, how are they to know what the boundaries are? For this reason we have provided some simple guidelines for kids to follow (please see below).
It would help the education system immensely if children (including older students) arrived at school well disciplined, well mannered and respectful of adults. This web site provides a few pages related to Kids Manners & Etiquette.
Without the above, teachers would have an unruly bunch of juveniles following their own agenda and there would be chaos. Teach them the three R's before they get to school: Respect for self; Respect for others and to accept Responsibility for all their actions.
Children’s lack of respect for adults shocks the older generation who were brought up under a much stricter regime. They fear that standards of behaviour in today's generation have slipped below acceptable limits. An example of this is clearly illustrated in TV programs such as ‘Super Nanny’.
Of course a lot of this behaviour is learnt from watching adults’ behaviour on TV. The kids are simply emulating this deplorable adult conduct.
We therefore urge parents to please take charge and be better role models for them to learn from.
The psychology of child behaviour is beyond the scope of this site which is dedicated to setting high standards of manners and etiquette in schools and in all the many situations that children will find themselves in.
While different sets of rules apply in various school settings they all boil down to the basics of respecting the rights of each other; not doing only what they selfishly want to do, but doing what is expected of them and doing it with a good will.
The following suggestions of school etiquette are not exhaustive and we are sure you could expand on this considerably. If so, please tell us. But in the meantime, print it out and drill it into your kids for the sake of us all:
School Etiquette - Class Room
You are here to learn. Teachers need your co-operation to help you and the other kids to learn well for your benefit.
You do not have the right to deprive the other kids of their rights
Be on time
Don’t give cheek
Don’t answer back
Don’t be noisy or disrupt the class
Co-operate with the other kids
Do immediately what the teacher asks you to do
Pay attention to the teacher
Don’t talk while the teacher is talking
Don’t snatch anything from anyone
Don’t fight, pull, push or shove anyone. Save it for your organised activity such as Tai Kwan Do.
Never bite anyone
Pick up your own litter
| School Etiquette - Uniforms |
Walk tall and wear your uniform with pride.
You are a representative of your school. Give
a good account of yourself
No uniform? Abide by the school’s dress
code
Sloppy dress impresses nobody |
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School Etiquette - Playground
Have fun by all means but not at the expense of any other kids. Keep it safe and happy for all by not throwing hard or sharp
objects that could injure someone, possibly for life:
Don’t fight, pull, push or shove anyone. Save it for your organised activity such as Tai Kwan Do.
Never bite anyone
Don't litter the playground
No bullying. It shows cowardice not
courage. Courage is what you have when
you take on unbeatable odds for a just
cause
Watch for bullies and report them |
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Prevent bullying if you are able to Similarly, don’t gang up against anyone
Don’t smoke or do drugs.
It’s gross and will slowly (sometimes quickly) damage your body
School Etiquette - Students
You will remember and talk about these days for the rest of your life. Use them to develop your strength of character, your integrity, your
knowledge and your skills to the best of your ability:
Be punctual
Obey the school rules
Pay attention to the teachers
Be respectful to the teachers and staff
Do immediately what you are directed to do
Do not answer back
Respect everyone’s rights
Don't litter the school grounds
Don't mess the toilets. If you do, clean it up (see Toilet Etiquette) Practice being well mannered
Don’t bully. Prevent bullying. Report bullying
Don't litter the class room, school grounds or anywhere
Don’t graffiti or vandalise property
Report graffiti offences being committed
Report acts of vandalism being committed
Be respectful of public and private property
Don’t steal from anyone
School Etiquette – Public Transport
You are an ambassador of your school, especially if you are in school uniform, your behaviour must be exemplary.
Transport officials and other
passengers must not be disturbed or offended by your behaviour:
Be respectful to everyone, especially adults
No rowdiness, pushing, fighting or yelling
No foul language; no swearing
Always offer your seat to the elderly first, then to any other adult that is standing
Avoid obstructing doors and aisles. Step aside to allow passengers to pass without being asked to do so
Don’t gang up on kids from other schools. Keep inter-school rivalry for organised inter-school competitions
Don’t graffiti or vandalise public property anywhere
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Caveat:
We could have tried (and almost certainly failed) to cover the myriad aspects
of morality, ethics and manners. We chose instead to make this a small page.
Our main goal is to recommend that parents not forget to teach these very
important concepts to their children.
We're reluctant to make many specific suggestions on HOW to teach a child
about character because we recognize that our audience is worldwide -- and
we know that different cultures have different values. But we do believe these
concepts are as necessary to your child's well-being as are issues of
self-care. Some people believe that children should be free to learn morality
and ethical behavior on their own. We agree with authors Linda and Richard
Eyre, however, who write in Teaching Your Children Values that this kind of
thinking is "analogous to setting a tiny, powerless vessel down in the midst of
turbulent, destructive currents and hoping that by some chance it will wash
into a safe harbor".
As you peruse our suggestions below, please keep in mind that we aren't
telling you what to do. If you have a different way, that's fine with us. But we
encourage you to make sure that your child isn't growing up a moral vacuum
-- adrift and at the mercy of outside influences.
Some of the qualities we think are necessary to being an adult with good
character -- integrity, honor, morality, faith and spirituality (these can be
religion-based or not), ethics, etiquette, manners, appreciation, empathy,
tolerance, fairness, compassion, generosity (of spirit as well as finances),
honesty, ability to love and trust, respect, responsibility. And all of these qualities are born out of a strong and positive sense of self.
A Few Suggestions for Teaching Your Child About Character:
1. Don't wait until your child is school-age or a teen-ager before you address character issues such as politeness, empathy and compassion. Even a 2-year-old can begin to learn to say "Please," "Thank you," "I'm sorry," "Excuse me," and "May I have that?" A 3-year-old can empathize with a child
who is hurt or who doesn't have friends. A school-age child can understand why stealing is bad. A child of almost any age can grasp the benefits of helping others in need.
2. Studies show that steady attendance at a church, synagogue or mosque or other religious institution can be beneficial to children. If your family attends a specific institution, use it as an opportunity to teach about its history how it benefits you, your family and your community. Sometimes children don't get a chance to ask many questions. Some parents find it helpful and enjoyable to down on the couch and go through children's versions of their faith's basic tenets (they often learn things about their faith they didn't know). This approach can give children the precious time and freedom they need to ask
questions, wonder and truly understand and absorb what they are being taught.
3. But you don't have to be "religious" to teach your children about religion, faith and spirituality. If your family doesn't attend a religious institution, you can still teach your child about tolerance of others' beliefs -- that disagreement doesn't have to equal dislike. If you would like to teach your child tolerance
and understanding about the major religions of the world (and perhaps learn a few things yourself), one of the books we've enjoyed is "What I Believe : A Young Person's Guide to the Religions of the World" by Alan Brown and Andrew Langley.
4. Buy your children other age-appropriate books specifically dedicated to issues of morality, ethics, etiquette -- and discuss the information with them.
5. Articulate your values and judgments to your children. What seems obvious to us often goes right over someone else's head, so don't expect your children to magically pick up difficult ethical concepts from you. Take the time necessary to explain and reinforce what you do and why.
6. Praise your child for making good choices. Even toddlers can grasp that parents are proud of something they've done. Additionally, be gentle with your critiques; remember that no one's born knowing how to do the right thing. And when your older children misbehave, ask them to help choose the
consequences.
7. Deal with your children gently. Your children will be much better able to make positive, life-affirming choices if they have a good sense of self to begin with. If you help them discover the beautiful, powerful person within, this person will help guide them for the rest of their life.
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Don't forget to regularly tell your child, "I love you." "I like you." "I'm glad you're here with me." "I would never stop loving you." "I would never leave you." "You're beautiful to me." "You're a good kid." "I know you try hard." "I appreciate you." and, when it's appropriate, "I'm sorry." Some research shows that children from loving homes are much more likely to step in to rescue someone or to help someone in need, while people from abusive or less loving homes were more likely to stand by and watch.
8. Monitor the family's entertainment choices. Some people feel they have no voice in what their children do, but this is simply not so. Set rules and enforce them. Monitor what your children read, watch, play with and overhear. Monitor their friendships. Don't let them watch movies with violent or sexual content. Know what they're doing and with whom they're doing it. Initiate discussions, be available for questions, and don't laugh at them when they don't understand something. When reading books to or with children, take an extra few minutes to discuss the content, and don't be afraid to disagree with the
characters or to judge the characters harshly. Sometimes, misbehaving characters aren't just the witches and crooks. For example, the Little Mermaid disobeys her father, Cinderella's prince wants to marry her before he even knows her name, and Rapunzel's parents steal lettuce and then agree to
avoid punishment by giving their child to the witch. Encourage your children to offer opinions on what happened and how better behavior could have helped avoid the problem.
9. Set a good example. Give some thought to your values, and m ake sure that all the adults are (basically) in sync. Then act the way you want your children to act. Give the cashier back the change you were given in error. Let the other driver have the right of way. Don't make fun of people or gossip about
them behind their back. Be a good friend. Don't lie, steal or cheat others. Don't swear or abuse drugs or alcohol in front of your children. Don't yell at the soccer coach. Treat your spouse and children with respect -- and be there for them. Tell them you love them. Let your children in on some of your decisions -- especially if the decisions were hard ones -- and tell them why you did what you did. Let them know they don't always have to agree with you, although they do have to obey your rules. Volunteer in the community. Apologize for your mistakes.
10. Talk to your children's caregivers and teachers -- Make sure that other influential adults in your child's life are teaching character lessons, and that their lessons are similar to yours. Encourage local schools to offer classes in morality, and encourage your children to participate, to ask questions and to
think for themselves. (See U.S. Secretary of Education Rod Paige's June 22 speech for his thoughts on the importance of character education).
11. Play games in which you present a tough ethical situation, and let your children work out how they would handle it (there are games available that can give you ideas). Help them to see another viewpoint. Be careful about being judgmental, and about expecting too much for their age. The goal should be to give them food for thought -- so give them the "food," and then
let them think.
12. Volunteer with your children in the community (see the Safer Child advocacy page for suggestions). This doesn't have to be hard, expensive, or a chore. Volunteering can be fun, simple, and enormously beneficial to your children. It will help your children appreciate what they have, plus it will allow them to both better understand and contribute to their community.
13. Donating: Your children can help pack up old toys, clothes and books for donating. They can help you buy gifts for donating at Christmas. They also can, if they want to, allocate a small portion of their allowance (with matching funds from you) to donate to a favorite charity.
14. Use daily events as a way to teach. This doesn't have to be done in a heavy, preachy manner; you can make it fun and lighthearted. But as you and your children go through your day, read the news, read books, watch television, go shopping, or play with friends -- take the time to make sure your children
are consistently learning about character, not just going through the motions. Resist the temptation to always say: "Because I said so," and take the extra few minutes to explain why things must be done a certain way.
15. Do not bribe your children or pay them for behaving well. Children should le your child, and keep the lines of communication open. Once the door is slammed shut between you, it can be difficult to get it open again.
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Cell phones have been compared to pacifiers for adults. They make people think they are connected to a vital source of informational nourishment. It seems to me that the most insecure and/or boastful people are the ones who are most loud and ostentatious about using their cell phones. Nevertheless, ownership of a cell phone does not include a license to be rude. Do not whip out your cell phone in a restaurant, at a party, on the train, or in any situation in which the call inflicts your half of the conversation on those around you. If you are going into a business meeting and are not expecting a genuinely urgent call, turn off the cell phone. The same goes for the theater, a museum, and other places where the ringing of a phone would be unwelcome. Some restaurants now require patrons to leave their cell phones with the maître d’ and will inform you if you get a call. The same principle applies to beepers. Be prepared to be out of touch in
certain situations or get a beeper that can be switched to vibrate when necessary.
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If a child wants to give a teacher a gift at Christmas or Hanukkah, on a birthday, or at the end of the school year, the gift should not be extravagant. In fact, encourage your child to get the class to offer a gift together. If, however, it is from a single child, a small token— perhaps something handmade—is appropriate. The gift should be wrapped and accompanied by a card. And, like adults, children should send a thank-you note if they aren’t able to thank the giver in person. In fact, it’s a nice idea (and teaches a small lesson about the importance of sending thank-you notes) to send a note to Uncle Danny, even if your son or daughter was able to thank him in person.Parents should impress upon their children that, no matter how dumb or ugly they think a gift is, the giver must never know: “Uncle Danny likes you and respects you enough to go to the trouble and expense of getting you something he thinks you will like. Telling him it’s dumb or ugly will hurt his feelings.”
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Now that you've solved the mysteries of the banquet hall and the buffet table, you are ready to move on to that most daunting dining dilemma—the formal dinner. You'll be able to handle this challenge with grace and confidence if you know what to expect and how to react.
Before Sitting Down
A lipstick trail is the red badge of discourtesy. Take precautions before you reach the table. This is also the time to visit the restroom for hair repair and other finishing touches. Remember to greet everyone before sitting down. Gentlemen must rise to greet latecomers. They may also rise when ladies leave and return to the table, although today's woman should not expect this behavior. A server will draw the chair for you. Enter from your left.
Napkins
After you are seated, wait for your host to make the first napkin move. When the host places the napkin on his or her lap, the guests should follow suit. Similarly, at the end of the meal, the host should be the first to place the napkin on the table to signal that the meal is over, having made certain that everyone at the table has finished.
Large dinner napkins should remain folded in half and placed across your lap with the fold facing your waist. Never “flap” the napkin to unfold it.
If you leave the table during the meal, place the napkin on your chair. If the server does not push the chair back under the table, you should do so. The server may also refold your napkin and place it on the arm of your chair during your absence.
At the end of the meal, do not refold the napkin. Pick it up from its center and place it loosely on the table to the left of your plate.
Live and Learn
The custom of clinking glasses was originally used to drive away evil spirits. If you want to clink, do so with the greatest care, particularly if you are using fine crystal. For the most part, it will suffice simply to raise your glass in the direction of the person being toasted. As for the toast itself, there is an old saying which you would do well to repeat to yourself if you are asked to propose a toast. “Be upstanding, be sincere, be brief, and be seated.” Think of the “four Bs.”
Wine
Wine will be served during a formal dinner. If you don't want wine, place your fingertips lightly on the rim of the glass when the server approaches to pour. (Never turn your glass upside down.) Say, “I'm not having any today” (or this evening or tonight). The today sends a message: You don't disapprove of wine, and the others should feel no compunction about enjoying their wine if they choose.
Wine is offered with the first course (soup) and will be poured from the right. Red wine (and brandy) glasses are held by the bowl because the warmth of the hand releases the bouquet. Red wine glasses may also be held by the stem, but white wine and champagne glasses are always held by the stem, so as not to diminish the chill.
Wait until your host has lifted his or her glass before you drink.
Finished Position.
The Seven Courses
Once again, the number of pieces of silverware will indicate the number of courses you can expect, and the general rule is to start from the outside.
You may expect the formal dinner to consist of seven courses, in this order: soup, fish, sorbet (or other palate cleanser), a meat or fowl dish, salad (often served with cheese), dessert, and coffee.
Resting Positions
Courses are served from the left, removed from the right. Wine is poured from the right. (It helps to know from which direction they will be coming at you).
Try to finish each course at about the same time as others around you. When you are finished with a course, hoist out the “I am finished” pennant. Here's how: Visualize a clock face on your plate. Place both the knife and fork in about the 10:20 position with the points at 10 and the handles at 20. The prongs of the fork should be down, and the blade of the knife should face you. If you have been eating the course with the fork only, place it prongs up in the same position as the knife when finished. Placing flatware in the finished position facilitates the server clearing from the right. He or she can secure the handles with the thumb, thus reducing the risk of dropping them in the diner's lap.
Hoist out the “I am resting” pennant when you want to pause during a course and don't want the server to snatch your plate away. In this case, the knife and fork are crossed on the plate with the fork over the knife and the prongs pointing down. The knife should be in the 10:20 position, as on the face of a clock; the fork prongs should be at two o'clock, and the handle at eight o'clock, forming an inverted V. It is also correct to form the inverted V without crossing fork over knife.
Servers in fine restaurants are usually trained to recognize the I-am-finished and the I-am-resting signals. Now let's look at how to deal with each course.
First Course: Soup
When eating soup, tilt the spoon awayfrom you.
Tilt the soup plate away from you to get the last bit of soup.
A two-handled soup cup.When eating soup, tilt the spoon away from you (dip the outer edge of the spoon, rather than the edge closest to you, into the soup first). This technique diminishes dribble danger and looks more appealing. Sip from the side (not the front) of the spoon, making no more noise than a spider. Yes, you may tilt the soup plate (often, inaccurately, called the soup bowl) away from you to access the last of the soup.
Leave your spoon on the soup plate. However, if the soup is served in a two-handled bowl or bouillon cup, leave the spoon on the underlying saucer.
Say What?
You are halfway through your entrèe, and you realize that you're using the wrong fork
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What do you say?
Nothing just then. Go ahead and finish the course with that fork. When the next course comes around, ask the server for a replacement: "May I have a new fork for this, please?"
econd Course: Fish
Watch out. In fine restaurants the fish course is often served with special fish knives and forks. In that case, hold the fish fork in your left hand, prongs down, as in the continental style of dining.
Use the fish knife to break the fish and push it onto the fork. You hold the fish knife differently than you do a dinner knife because you're not actually cutting the fish but merely breaking it apart. Hold the knife between your thumb and your index and middle fingers.
If the fish is soft and boneless, you need use only the fork. In this case, leave the fish knife on the table. Hold the fork in your right hand, prongs up. The prongs can be either up or down when the fork is resting on the plate after you're finished.
Remove fish bones with your thumb and index finger and place the bones on the side of the plate.
Third Course: Sorbet
Although the serving of sorbet dates back to the Roman Empire when hosts served packed snow brought down from the mountains to clear the palates of the guests, sorbetto did not emerge until the middle of the sixteenth century in Italy. These days a sorbet is served only between the fish and meat courses, but it was once served to clear the palate of the distinctive flavors of each course and get it ready for the next.
If the sorbet is served with a garnish, go ahead and eat the mint leaves, fresh herbs, or flower petals.
Fourth Course: Meat and Fowl
Here you get more serious with the use of your knife than you did during the fish course. But you should still try to use it more like a surgeon than a lumberjack would. Place your index finger about an inch down from the handle, on the back of the blade, to help you press down firmly. Hold the fork in your left hand, prongs down. Spear the meat and hold it firmly in place with the fork while you cut. Only cut enough food for each mouthful.
It's okay to put a small amount of potatoes and vegetables on the fork along with the meat.
Fifth Course: Salad
As with the fish course, you will use the salad fork and knife for this course, leaving the knife on the table if you don't need to cut anything. If cheese is served with the salad, place a small portion of cheese on your salad plate together with crackers or bread. Use the salad knife to put cheese on the crackers or bread.
Sixth Course: Dessert
When dessert is served with both fork and spoon, the fork is the pusher and the spoon is used for eating. Hold the fork in your left hand, tines down, and push the dessert onto the spoon in your right hand. Pie or cake requires only a fork. Ice cream and pudding require only a spoon. Leave the other utensil on the table.
Seventh Course: Coffee
Be careful not to overload your beverage with cream and sugar. Avoid swirling your coffee around too much, making a splash and puddle on your saucer. Don't slurp, but sip gently. If your coffee is too hot, let it sit for a while—don't blow on it. Finally, don't leave your spoon in the cup. Place it on your saucer.
The formal place setting with cutlery, numbered in order of use.
Manners at Mickey Dee's
At the other end of the spectrum, the fast-food eatery, the company lunchroom, or eating at your desk are venues about as informal as it gets. But informal does not mean sloppy. These scenarios never will replace the traditional meal; yet, they are clearly a part of life. here are some key points for handling them with grace:
1. Watch that smell. Whether we are in a cubicle or on an airplane, it's rude to impose our cuisine on anybody else. High-odor foods such a fish, onions, and some lunch meats are offensive at best.
2. use a knife and fork even if the food doesn't strictly dictate that. For example, a drippy chicken salad sandwich is more easily managed by eating the filling with a fork until it becomes more manageable. Ditto for pizza.
3. Keep your playing field clean. those little packets of mustard, ketchup, sugar, and so on, are best hidden under your plate or immediately put into the bag the food came in. Nobody wants to feel they're next to someone who is starting a personal compost heap.
4. Watch that sound. make sure you chew with your mouth closed, and don't slurp. Listening to your lunch goes a long way in killing an neighbor's appetite.
Although dining circumstances vary, you can handle them with more confidence by remembering the basics. Approach the experience with a positive attitude and a cheerful demeanor. Keep pace with the others. Watch your posture. Smile. When in doubt, do what your host does, or pick out the classiest person at the table and copy him or her. In other words: Dine among
others as you would have them dine among you.
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Mind Your P's and Q's
Remember, everything is relative: Some disabled writers have referred to nondisabled persons in general as TABs, for “temporarily able-bodied.”
1. If you offer assistance, wait until the offer is accepted. Listen for information about what form the assistance should take.
2. Speak directly to the disabled person, not through a third party. This tip is particularly important when addressing a hearing-impaired person and someone else is “signing” for him.
3. Always offer to shake hands.
4. Identify yourself and others to a visually impaired person. Always let them know when you are leaving the room.
5. Treat adults like adults. Don't use a person's first name until someone asks you to. Don't pat. Don't patronize.
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6. Don't shout.
7. Don't touch, lean on, or move a wheelchair without permission. Treat the chair as part of the person occupying it.
8. Don't distract a working seeing-eye dog.
9. When conversing with a person with a speech impediment, listen carefully and never pretend to understand. If in doubt, ask questions. Be patient. Don't interrupt or inject comments during pauses. Don't try to fill in a word for someone with a stutter. Don't raise your voice. Louder is not better.
10. Don't fret about phrases. Speak as you would normally and don't worry about using expressions such as “running around” (to someone in a wheelchair), or “listen to that,” or “see you later.”
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Kids parties can come with a minefield of problems if you're not familiar with the unspoken rules of kids party etiquette. Avoid sticky situations with these party pointers from parent experts.
Ever feel like you're out of the loop when it comes to the unspoken rules of kids party etiquette?
Experienced Moms and Dads know the do's and don'ts of both hosting and attending kids parties.
Here are some pearls of wisdom from these parent experts to those just starting out on the party
circuit...
INVITATIONS
The rule of thumb passed down by experienced Moms and Dads is to invite the same number of party guests as your child's age. Resist the temptation to invite every child in your child's classroom. Be discrete and avoid hurt feelings by mailing invitations home instead of passing them out in school. A manageable party is a more enjoyable one both for the party attendants and for you!
PARTY TIME AND DURATION
An hour is sufficient for toddlers and pre-schoolers when naptimes are still an issue. Plan your party when the birthday child will be freshest and best able to handle all the excitement, perhaps a morning brunch is best.
For older school age children, a two to three hour party at any time of day is a safe bet; evening parties and sleep-overs are popular options for pre-teens.
RSVPs
Always include an RSVP date and phone number on your party invitations. In the event of a guest failing to RSVP, a cordial call on or after your RSVP date is perfectly acceptable. Sometimes mail is delayed and other mishaps occur, and you need to be sure that the invitation was received. In addition, knowing the exact guest count is necessary for planning purposes.
GIFT GAFFES
Children may sometimes express their true, and not necessarily polite, feelings about a gift they have received. In advance of the party, explain to your child that it's necessary to thank all the gift-givers with equal enthusiasm, no matter what the gift. Impress upon your him or her that each guest feels their gift is special, and that it's the thought behind it that counts.
If you plan to open gifts at the party, make it early before kids are tired, cranky and hyped with sugar. Of course, this issue can be avoided entirely by opening the gifts after guests have departed, a time-saving practice which prevents the embarrassment of the party child making ungrateful comments.
COMPETITIVE GAMES
There's nothing wrong with good old-fashioned competition; it gets the adrenalin going and cranks up the excitement. Just make sure that the elements of each game are manageable for the age group you are inviting. A trial run with the party child prior to the party will likely head off any problems.
In addition, small gifts such as a lollipop or small trinkets given to every player for completing the game is preferable to awarding one large prize to the winner only. Planning a craft activity or end-of-party reading time will involve all the guests, even the quieter ones.
SIBLINGS SHOWING UP UNINVITED
Be very clear on your party invitation by using the name of the guest invited. Some people will ignore the obvious and do what's convenient for them anyway, so have a few extra goodie bags on hand for siblings who just show up.
BACK-UP PLANS
If you're having an outdoor party, it's good common sense to have a rainy day alternative.
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Confirm your entertainer one week before party time, but prepare a handful of games you can orchestrate on your own, if necessary. If a guest or two are late for the festivities, don't delay your schedule but keep on as planned. Although no-shows, delays, and inclement weather are party bummers, you can still pull it off like professional with a little advance preparation.
PARTY CHILD MISBEHAVING
Here's where some advance coaching is in order. Emphasize the important role your child has as the party host or hostess to make guests feel comfortable. Discuss the responsibilities s/he will have such as greeting the guests, showing them where to sit at the party table, and handing out party favors. Stress that through helping others enjoy the day, your child will likely have a better time too. A gentle reminder during the party should be all that's needed once you've laid down the ground rules.
GUESTS MISBEHAVING
The party excitement, coupled with sugar intake, can lead to tantrums, tears, and other misbehavior. Step back a moment and try to handle these problems with patience and diplomacy. A little attention and redirection is sometimes all that's needed to remedy the situation.
Give the child a special job to do or make them an honorary party helper. If the behavior escalates, don't be afraid to separate the child to a quiet room. Explain that bad behavior will not be tolerated and that the parents will be called to take him or her home if it continues.
DUPLICATE GIFT DILEMMA
If there's a gift receipt attached from a thoughtful parent, you're golden. Otherwise, don't get into it with another parent unless you can do so without causing offense. You can try just returning the gift for store credit, if you know where it was purchased. Or, stash it away with the name of the original gift-giver taped to it. This way you can recycle the gift, making sure it goes to an entirely new (and hopefully appreciative) child.
THANK YOU NOTES
Thank you notes are an excellent way to promote good manners and appreciation in your children. Not only are they important social skill builders, they foster good writing and creativity as well. Kids will learn to enjoy writing thank you cards if you make it a fun project by using colorful note cards and glittery gel pens or let them design their own on the computer.
For younger children, it's OK for the parent to write the note and have the party child sign it. The party child could even draw a picture which Mom or Dad can copy and send as a thank you.
The "fill-in-the-blanks" type thank you note are a great alternative too. Another super idea is to include a picture of the guest taken with the party child along with the thank you note.
Incidentally, it's critical to keep a careful list of who-gave-what so thank you notes can be sent without mix-ups.
CAN PARENTS STAY?
If you're unsure if you can accompany your child to a party, just be up front with the parents beforehand and ask what their party plans are. The RSVP call is a great time to ask questions. Most parents of younger children know some kids are more comfortable with their parents around and plan accordingly. (A pot of coffee and extra cake or munchies for the adults.) Most parents will offer to help if they stay - an extra bonus for the host/hostess!
Patricia B. Jensen is a mother of three and kids party enthusiast. She is the webmaster and owner of Kids-Party-Paradise.com - a complete resource for kids party ideas including invitations, cakes, decorations, games, costumes, favors, and food.
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Parents have the right and the responsibility to exercise some control over how much television children watch and what programs they see. Parental control of television is particularly important when children are young but also applies to adolescents. Resist the temptation to use the television as a baby-sitter during the early years and prescreen as many programs as you can during the later years.
We have to accept the fact that our youngsters will be drawn to the computer screen and will want to explore the wonders of e-mail and the Internet. Unfortunately, with the advent of the Internet a culture has developed—especially among young people—that is disturbing. Advocates of this new cyberspace philosophy maintain, essentially, that the Internet, with its unlimited ability to acquire information and join the world in the discussion of ideas, is much more that a groundbreaking technological advance.
It is the driving force of a revolution of knowledge, much like the Renaissance, that holds all ideas are and should be free and in the public domain, to be shared and used, unfettered, by all.
Although the historical analogy may well be appropriate in its world-changing explosion of knowledge and ideas, it doesn't trump long-established rules of intellectual property on change the propriety and care we must take in our interactions with others—standards that exist long before the world became accessible from a little box in our homes.
It's important to impress on children that the Internet is a wonderful resource that comes with certain rules and responsibilities, not carte blanche to appropriate the ideas of others or use them in an inappropriate or cruel manner. The reason is simple, and at the heart of good manners: people can—directly or indirectly—be hurt.
Mind Your P's and Q's
The debate rages over music-swapping websites and the technology that facilitates and encourages it. Many of the legal and ethical issues are unresolved. How to handle those issues in the meantime?
Recognize that this material may well be the livelihood of someone else who is working to bring his or her music to the world. Then apply a "bricks and mortar" analogy. In other words, what would you do if the Internet did not exist, or if the technology to swap and download music files did not exist?
What if the only way you could enjoy and album or a piece of music on a regular basis were to go to the store and buy it, or climb the stairs to your brother's room, or head to a nearby friend's house to listen to it? Then follow the equivalent ways of going about that online.
Buying pirated copies or swapping them with anonymous strangers around the world at the expense or without the permission of the artist would not be appropriate in the offline world. It's equally bad manners in cyberspace.
With that in mind, make sure your children know the following:
Good manners apply even in cyberspace.
E-mail can be retrieved and traced to the sender. Pressing the Delete key doesn't make e-mail disappear forever, so be sure to review what you've written before you click the Send button.
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You cannot be sure that no record remains of what you download just because you move it from the hard drive to a disk. People have gone to jail on the basis of what experts have been able to retrieve from hard drives their owners thought were clear of incriminating material. So be aware that whatever you write or download in cyberspace can be read by others, and make sure that you would not be upset if it was.
Some dangerous creeps live out there in cyberland. A correspondent who claims to be a 15-year-old cheerleader may be a 50-year-old pervert. People must be very wary of agreeing to meet a computer acquaintance in person, and never, ever meet such a person in a private place, such as a home or a secluded park.
They will encounter some new and perhaps radical ideas on the Internet about things like drugs, sex, race, God, and Satan. Let them know that the best way to react to an idea they find intriguing or disturbing is to find out more about it and get different slants on it. Talking with parents, clergy, or someone they trust at school is always helpful.
Make sure children understand never to respond to an e-mail that suggests a face-to-face meeting or asks for personal information such as telephone numbers, address, and credit card numbers. Explain the dangers of identity theft, how easily it can happen, and what the results are.
When you see sites that encourage children to e-mail to it, a mental red flag should go up, and it's probably worth blocking the site.
Teach children that anyone's request to engage in sex talk, or to post pornographic material online is dangerous. Do not be afraid to frighten your children with its dangers.
Downloading copyrighted material from the Internet continues to be a hotly debated topic. Since the legal issues in many cases have yet to be resolved, apply some common sense, old-fashioned manners, ethics, and logic.
If you are incorporating information from the Internet into your work product or homework and claiming it as your won, it's stealing. Plagiarism is the "old fashioned" term. It's wrong. If the information is freely obtained, it's important to cite the source and quote accurately whenever you can.
If you are directly profiting—monetarily or in other ways—from information or material you obtained from the Internet—it's wrong. How would you feel if people took your stuff and claimed it as their own or used it without your permission in a way you wouldn't approve to enhance yourselves?
Sometimes it helps to apply a "bricks and mortar" analogy. For example, if you needed a certain book, you'd either have to go to the library and borrow it or buy it from a bookstore. In some cases, you might have to contact the source—or even pay a fee or agree to certain conditions—to obtain permission to use it. As much as possible, follow the same rules and considerations you would if you had no access to cyberspace. Just because the Internet makes it easy to obtain information or take shortcuts to obtaining information does not make it okay to drop all your ethical standards.
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People wince inwardly when you mispronounce their names. It is a serious breach of business etiquette. If you don't know the correct pronunciation of someone's name, ask! If you are still in doubt, ask apologetically for the person to repeat it. Jokes or wisecracks about a person's name are not funny and are offensive.
If your own name is difficult to pronounce, help the person who is trying to pronounce it—and botching the job. You can smile and say: "It's a tough one, isn't it?" Pronounce it clearly without making a big deal about it. That just calls too much attention to the fact that the other person has made an error.
Coming Up Blank
It happens to everybody. If you're the one making introductions and you forget the name of the person you're introducing, you can say something like "I remember our chat at the Cézanne reception, but I've forgotten your name for the moment" or "Please tell me your name again. I'm having a temporary memory lapse."
Get the name and go right ahead with the introduction. Don't make a big deal out of it by apologizing more than once. Everybody has experienced mental vapor lock from time to time and will understand your predicament.
When you're introduced to someone, say the person's name and repeat it during the conversation to imprint it in your memory.
If you're the one being introduced and the introducer seems to have forgotten your name, jump right in, extend your hand, smile, and offer your name.
Say What?
If someone introducing you mispronounces your name or gives you the wrong title, wait until the introductions are over and say: "Jim is not the first person to have trouble pronouncing my name. it's …(give the correct pronunciation)."
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And: "I'm afraid Jim has given me a promotion (or demotion). Actually, I'm now …(give the correct pronunciation)."
In any case, don't make a big deal out of it.
Faux Pas
Don't address someone verbally by a corporate title unless you happen to be speaking with the president of the United States, in which case you say, "Mr. President."
Titles
Because so much of the corporate culture is based on rank and status, titles are vitally important. You can't refer to a senior vice president as a vice president or to the chief operating officer as the chief executive officer.
In the company of others, especially with people outside your firm, show your boss respect by addressing him or her formally as Mr. or Ms. Smith.
Ms. is the appropriate address for a woman in business, regardless of what she calls herself in her private life. Mrs. and Miss imply social, marital, and sexual distinctions that have no place in the business arena. Of course, if a woman tells you directly that she wants to be addressed as Mrs. or Miss, it is best to comply. However, when using Mrs. in a business context, use the woman's first name rather than her husband's—for example, Mrs. Sally Kelly.
Career-conscious people entering the business world must be aware of more rules of behavior than they could expect to encounter in most social situations. You need to be aware of the sort of behavior that is expected in the world of work so that you can move within that world with confidence and ease.
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Manners and etiquette for children is ranked as the most important quality to nurture in the family home.
Instilling good manners in some teens will feel like an almost impossible task. But don't despair, just keep at it. You will be surprised how much of your pushing and nagging about being well mannered stays with them.
Good Manners are essential for every child's self confidence and success in life.
Manners and etiquette for children in the Family Home
In the family home - this is where it starts, where the 'manners seed' is planted and nurtured. This is where your children learn not only good manners, but also core values and ethics. This is the haven where your children learn to be considerate, tolerant and respectful.
They learn to share and to respect the space of all other family members. This is the place where your children put into practice the foundation of all the social etiquette they will need to carry them through life.
There are serveral different styles of parenting, none are perfect! Believe us there is no such thing as a perfect parent. What is important though is that you do have a style or "method of parenting.
We cannot stress enough the importance of parenting, just being a parent is NOT parenting.
Let's start with respect. Respecting a person's privacy is very important. In the family home this is one of the most important rules. Parents, teenagers and even the little ones - all deserve a degree of privacy. All deserve utmost respect.
Most of these 'good manners and etiquette for children' pointers below apply to both parents and children - remember you have to 'practice what you preach'.
1. If the door is closed, it is respectful and good manners to knock and wait for permission to enter
2. If you want to borrow something, don't just help yourself, always ask permission and make sure you return whatever it is you borrow. Make sure you return it in the same or better condition
3. Never go looking through another person's private possessions without their permission, that is extremely bad mannered
4. I know it is very tempting to read your sister's diary and love letters, but restrain yourself, that is very private and you wouldn't like someone to do that to you
5. Your family's affairs are private and should be kept that way. If mum and dad have an argument or the business is not doing well, or your brother is not doing well at school, it has nothing to do with outsiders
However, if a family member is being abused in any way, that is different and someone in a position of authority should be told
6. Another rule in the book of manners and etiquette for children is you should not expect anyone to clean up after you. Leave the bathroom, toilet, kitchen and TV room clean and tidy, don't leave your dirty dishes around the house. Your wet towels or dirty dishes are your responsibility. If you share a bedroom, then share the responsibility of keeping it clean and tidy
7. We'll repeat, practicing the art of good manners and etiquette starts in the home, let your parental guidance then follow through to school and the sports field. For example, if the children are playing a board game at home, the loser needs to learn to accept that in good grace. If on a sports field, they need to know it is good etiquette to thank the opposing team, shake hands and say, "Well done!"
8. Kids Telephone Etiquette - we could almost write a book on this subject
9. Table Manners and Etiquette for Children should be a way of life
10. Parents, at all times be aware of your own behavior, highlight acts of good manners and etiquette and of course good social behavior
If you send a thank you note to someone, mention it in front of the children, say something like, 'I'm just sending a thank you note to Aunt Maggie, she was so helpful running you children to school last week when I couldn't manage' - that way showing appreciation is just a normal way to behave and not a lesson in manners and etiquette for children
11. If you are sending flowers in the event of the death in the family, it is a good time to explain Funeral Etiquette to the children. These 'silent' lessons in manners and etiquette for children have more of a lasting impact when they are seen and experienced. So always strike while the iron is hot so to speak
12. Try really hard not to embarrass anyone, what may seem humorous and teasing is often very embarrassing, just think how you would feel under the circumstances. Don't think of it as a lesson in manners and etiquette for children, just put yourself in that position
Another important lesson in manners and etiquette for children is meeting and greeting guests
Children are never too young to learn the art of welcoming family and guests. Your child is never too young to learn this valuable rule of etiquette and good manners, a warm and friendly greeting is a must. Depending on the age and sex of the child the following rules of manners and etiquette for children may be observed:
1. Open the door and invite the guests in, smile and be welcoming
2. If the child is a boy, it is good manners and masculine to shake hands with the adult males
3. Either take the guests coats (and please don't just bundle them up!) or if you prefer, show them where they can leave belongings
4. If it is the grandparents visiting, perhaps a hug and kiss would be nice. Depends on what is expected
5. It is good manners and etiquette for children and teenagers to be respectful and not 'smart mouth' adults when they are greeted, especially when they are asked questions about what's happening in their life.
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Just answer politely and excuse yourself as soon as it is polite to do so, that is if you feel you don't want to answer or are too shy to talk anymore
6. If you have a friend staying over, introduce your friend to the visitors don't leave them standing there like a spare part
Being a Guest
It is equally important to have good manners and know what is the proper etiquette when a guest in someone's home. I am sure you practice most of these guidelines, but just to refresh your memory from that wonderful imaginary book called 'Manners and Etiquette for Children':
1. Don't go visiting unless you are invited or you have phoned to see if it is convenient
2. Permission from both your parents and your friends parents is a must especially if you are wanting to stay overnight
3. Never assume you can stay as long as you please. Let your friend's parents know exactly when you will be leaving and how you will be getting home
4. Always get stuck in and help, don't wait to be asked and don't expect to be waited on
5. Make up your bed, tidy the room, keep your belongings out of the way and it goes without saying, leave the bathroom spotless! Remember your good manners and etiquette will not go unnoticed and will be a reflection of the quality and standards of your upbringing and your parents
6. Be sure to say, "Thank you" when you leave. Reciprocate by inviting your friend to your house sometime in the future
General Rules of Good Manners and Etiquette in Public Places
1. Give up your seat for an adult, especially for an old person, a handicapped person and pregnant women. Not only is it good manners and etiquette, remember one day you too will be old and frail
2. Sitting with your feet up on the seats is a sloppy and disgusting habit, people have to sit there and obviously the soles of your shoes really are very dirty
3. Eating on public transport is messy and not necessary, the smell of hamburgers, pies, chips etc., is quite stomach churning to other passengers
4. Turn off your mobile phone, I'm sure the rest of the passengers are not interested in your personal business
5. Turn down your portable music, it is very irritating to hear that scratchy sound blasting continuously
6. Skateboarding down the isle of the train is both stupid and dangerous .. yes I have actually seen it done!
7. Place your garbage in a bin, imagine if everybody just scattered their rubbish throughout the streets
8. Our pet hate is the so called graffiti artist! Words fail us! It is so destructive and ugly! Get a life and do something useful kiddo
9. When in a group, try to keep your voices down and behavior less boisterous, people around you may be having a bad day, or feeling ill, it is called consideration as well as good manners
10. Watch your language, it may be cool to use 4 letter words in front of your friends, but is rude, bad mannered and disrespectful to do this in public places
11. To bully other kids, is cowardly. You wouldn't do it if you were on your own and you wouldn't like someone to do it to you
12. By the same token, don't be bullied. Be polite, remember your manners and stand up for yourself. Even if it is an adult trying to bully you, you have the right to defend yourself
13. Old people are easily intimidated, be kind, polite, respectful and helpful
14. Open the door for others. Allow adults to go through first while you hold the door open for them. If you do enter first, don't let the door slam in the face of those behind you
15. Before you enter a lift (elevator), allow the people inside the lift (elevator) to exit first. This rule of etiquette also applies to buildings or even a room, let the person inside exit first
16. This next rule of manners and etiquette is one of the most important ones. See our page on International Etiquette
It is well known that when this rule is abused or ignored it even creates wars between countries. This is the rule of respecting differences. The world has become a multicultural society. A society where there is a huge diversity of beliefs, cultures, races, colors, rituals, protocols, etiquettes and traditions.
Different nationalities of people living together in many different countries. Your set of rules for good manners and etiquette for children and adults are based on good values and work well for your culture and your country and so too are the rules of good manners and etiquette for children and adults that have evolved for other cultures. They are just different but still hold good values
The simple idea behind manners and etiquette for children and adults boils down to having customs that are common to your country and genetics, being considerate and having common sense.
An example of customs: Simply observe how Japanese people greet each other; they nod their head. In America, Australia and many other countries, men shake hands - both a mannerly way to greet people
An example of being considerate: Being rude to someone is unnecessary, all it does is make you feel bad and hurt the other person's feelings. What is the point of being rude?
On that final note of teaching your children good manners and etiquette, please browse the rest of A - Z of Manners and Etiquette.
We would love to hear about your views on manners and etiquette for children and how you have experienced and dealt with various situations.
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Getting ready to plan a kid's birthday party? Invitations are a key part of planning a kid's party. Don't fall into the trap of not being clear on your invites which can lead to some problems.
Here are few tips to share for creating great kid's invitations.
#1: Be clear and specific. It really helps the parents to best prepare their kids for your party if they know the game plan. Your invitation should let parents know the following:
- The date and time of the party; specify start time and end time (for example: "Come on down for a rocking rodeo at Riley's house. We will be horsing around from 12 to 3pm.")
- The place where it will be held (and any specific notes, such as, Pizza Castle in the rear party room); that way if there are other parties going on, they are not going from room to room. If it is at a large fitness center, specify what floor the parties are located ("Jump up and down for a sporty party at Elle's Gym (party rooms on 2nd floor).")
- Will there be food? Maybe even a clue as what the food is (pizza party, chicken nuggets, or sandwiches will be provided). Some kids are very picky and if the parent doesn't know what will be served they can't best prepare for what their kid will eat. Also, will they be eating right away? I once went to a party that started at 12 and the kids didn't eat til 1:30. My son was starving. If I would have known, I would have given him food first. If you plan on serving the food some time after the party starts, just make a note (lunch served after tour, or after puppet show or whatever activity is first).
- Will there be entertainment? This is important especially for the younger ones, if you are having a clown, it is good for parents to know in case their child is deathly afraid of clowns. It also lets parents know the scheme of things. I like to prep my child by saying, you are going to be playing on bouncy things, be sure to wait your turn and be careful on the equipment. It also helps you because then the child has been prepped a little by their own parent and you will have to do less babysitting.
#2: Specify whether siblings are allowed or not. Don't assume because you invited one that the parent might not come along with another.
#3: Is there a theme? If you chose a generic invite, it might be good to note something that the child is into or if there is a theme. When you are planning parties for kids 2, 3, 4, 5 the theme can get them all excited and also help the parents know what the child is into for getting a gift. For example, if your little girl is having a Princess theme, use invites that display this or write, "Princess Madison would like to invite you to her castle...." This really gets the kids all excited!
#4: If you are having an activity party where the child is expected to wear or bring something such as a costume party or a painting or cooking party (note: please wear costume, please bring smock or apron)
#5: Some other important do's and don'ts.
DO specify who you are inviting (whole family or just "Brian"); DO include the age of the birthday child (Adam wants you to help celebrate his 4th birthday); DO provide an easy way to RSVP (phone & email); DO provide a date of when they must RSVP by.
DON'T include your kids clothing sizes or other gift requests (people will ask you if they want to know this).
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Growing numbers of U.S. parents are enrolling their youngsters in etiquette classes to reinforce behaviors they struggle to teach in the home, families report.
Parents say changing times have made manners harder to teach, blaming rushed meals, television, movies, and technology for the erosion of social skills, The Boston Globe said Monday.
"Parents are doing the best that they can at home. This is just to give the kids a little additional reinforcement," said Jen Schaeffner, a mother in Marblehead, Mass.
Etiquette classes reportedly have become a popular way for kids as young as 4 to learn table manners and conversational skills.
Critics argue the classes are unacceptable for young children, the newspaper said.
"It's something that should be integrated into their entire day and not transformed into a structured activity," said Susan Linn, a psychologist at the Judge Baker Children's Center in Boston.
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How violent is too violent?
How much intimacy is too much? It's difficult to find a movie, video game or television show that doesn't have violence, swearing, sexual activity, or crudity. Just try to find a current "child's" movie that doesn't play on a child's worst fears: the death or disappearance of a parent -- and/or being left lost and alone. And older, "classic" movies often incorporate stereotypes, bigotry, chauvinism or xenophobia that -- at the time the movie was made were commonplace, but that today aren't acceptable.
It can seem that there are few choices for child entertainment that isn't violent, profane, rude, intolerant or silly. Oftentimes, an otherwise gentle movie will have scenes of shocking adult irresponsibility -- such as allowing a child in a boat without a life jacket, or allowing children to ride a motorcycle without a helmet.
Reality versus fantasy
Many parents believe children know the difference between reality and fantasy. They believe children aren't frightened of make-believe, or that small children aren't affected by violence or sexual content of movies. They rely on name recognition of stars and directors and don't feel it necessary to pre-screen movies.
But a growing number of mental health professionals and child advocates believe that children are more affected than they're letting on -- and that a steady stream of rude, profane or violent behavior serves to undercut their sense of security - not to mention their understanding of important values such as compassion, trust, faith, gentleness, and responsibility.
Good Entertainment
Good entertainment is out there; one just has to be dedicated to finding it. For younger children, Safer Child believes parents can feel fairly safe with Public Television, Peanuts, Winnie The Pooh, Barney, Mr. Rogers, Blue's Clues, Sesame Street (although some of the newer Sesame Street movies might be frightening or overwhelming to a younger child), Spot, Clifford, Arthur, The Magic School Bus, Franklin, and others... There are several older movies that might satisfy both a parent and an older child. A few current movies are appropriate for older children, too -- but we can't emphasize enough the importance of prescreening them (or watching them with your child) and withstanding the inevitable "but Mom!" if they don't meet your standards.
Connection Between Child Aggression and Poor Entertainment Choices
A January 2001 study in Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine found that reducing children's time spent watching television or playing video games might make them less aggressive - both verbally and physically - with classmates.
Turning it Off:
Here are a few suggestions for encouraging your children to watch less television
Remove television sets from bedrooms, the kitchen, and the dining room. Have a family room or playroom that doesn't have a television in it.
Budget television time per week, and have your children make choices between options you have pre-selected. When the program is over, turn the television off. If your television is in a cabinet, close the doors when the television isn't in use.
Limit television, videos, computer games to an absolute maximum of no more than one or two hours per day for older children and even less (or none) for younger children.
Don't eat in front of the television (except for occasional "pizza and a movie" nights). Do not let your child do homework while watching television.
Help your child find other things to do. Don't use the television as a baby-sitter. Make sure your children get outside to play, and have daily physical activity that gets them up and moving.
Don't watch a lot of television yourself. Show your child that other activities are more fun and more interesting -- especially those you do as a family.
Don't watch television while your child or spouse (or someone on the telephone) is trying to talk to you. This behavior shows your family that the television is more important to you than they are.
Be picky! Avoid "reality" shows, violent cartoons, shows with bratty children. Turn off ads when possible. Find quality movies and DVDs. Don't succumb to the "but everybody's watching it!" argument. Whenever possible, watch shows with your children (or check in during the show) so that you can monitor what's happening.
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Discuss the show with your children, and don't be afraid to disagree, or to let your children disagree, with what you see.
Don't assume that your child knows what is real, what is appropriate, or that your child "is going to watch it anyway." Children don't always know what's real, they don't always know what is appropriate, and if you say they can't watch it, they are much less likely to do so. Your expressions of disapproval can have a positive impact on their ultimate acceptance of a show's message. Children really do want you to be in charge. They want you to say no. Ultimately, they are proud to tell their friends that their parents care enough to say no.
Express your views to the people in charge. If you don't like a show, movie, advertisement or message, make your voice heard. Call or write to your local television station, network, or program sponsor. Make note of the show's name, the product name, the channel, the time and the date you saw the commercial or program. Call the Better Business Bureau and tell them your concerns. These people do listen to the public, but the public has to speak up.
Parents are their children's best censor. Parents have the power -- if they will just take it -- of making sure their children only see what's appropriate.
Give Your Child An Easy Way to Say NO
Many times, children really do want to say no, but just don't know how. So make a deal with your child: If your child is out with friends and is feeling pressured to watch something he knows he shouldn't, he can ask you if he "absolutely has to come home." Those words will be a signal to you that he needs you to be the bad guy and demand that he comes home right now. But if he's just having fun and wants to stay out, he can ask you if he "can stay out longer." Those words will alert you that everything's OK.
Filtering Devices
There are also Internet filtering devices available. The National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families reviews Internet filtering devices on its site FilterReview.com -- and also includes customer comments. The Entertainment Software Rating Board rates computer and video games - 1-800-771-ESRB. Bear in mind that what you consider to be unacceptable content may not match what the software authors consider unacceptable. Buy filtering software carefully. For more on Safe Web Surfing, see the Safer Child Safe Surfing Page.
Issues of Censorship
Safer Child is not advocating government censorship. With certain limited exceptions, we do not believe the government should be in the business of deciding what the people should see and hear. We can't emphasize it enough: Parents are their children's best censor. Parents have the power -- if they will take it -- of making sure their children see only what's appropriate.
Video Games Violent, Not Diverse
In December, 2001, Children Now conducted a study of the top 10 best-selling video games. The study found that nearly all of the heroes in the games were white males. Women represented 16% of human characters, and were most likely to be props or bystanders. Some 86% of black women were portrayed as victims of violence. There were no Latina characters at all. The study also reported that 89% of the games contained violent content, half of which resulted in serious harm to game characters. The consequences of the violence were rarely shown, however, and the victims appeared unaffected by the violence against them. The violent acts were usually justified, and they always resulted in rewards to the players. The Entertainment Software Rating Board rates computer and video games - 1-800-771-ESRB.
Try Reading Instead
Safer Child is an avid promoter of reading -- reading to your child, reading with your child, having your child read to you, or even just showing pictures in books to your baby. Turn off the electronic equipment, and make reading a regular and important part of your day. You can read a few books to your child as a regular part of bedtime. Your child can look at books while toilet training (takes the pressure off). Your child can read or look at books while waiting in cars, on buses or in doctor's offices. You can make going to the library (with the child's own library card) a weekly activity. Reading is fun, it's generally a safe activity, and the more reading a child learns to do, the more learning he or she is likely to do.
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Caveat:
We could have tried (and almost certainly failed) to cover the myriad aspects of morality, ethics and manners. We chose instead to make this a small page. Our main goal is to recommend that parents not forget to teach these very important concepts to their children.
We're reluctant to make many specific suggestions on HOW to teach a child about character because we recognize that our audience is worldwide -- and we know that different cultures have different values. But we do believe these concepts are as necessary to your child's well-being as are issues of self-care. Some people believe that children should be free to learn morality and ethical behavior on their own. We agree with authors Linda and Richard Eyre, however, who write in Teaching Your Children Values that this kind of thinking is "analogous to setting a tiny, powerless vessel down in the midst of turbulent, destructive currents and hoping that by some chance it will wash into a safe harbor".
As you peruse our suggestions below, please keep in mind that we aren't telling you what to do. If you have a different way, that's fine with us. But we encourage you to make sure that your child isn't growing up a moral vacuum -- adrift and at the mercy of outside influences.
Some of the qualities we think are necessary to being an adult with good character -- integrity, honor, morality, faith and spirituality (these can be religion-based or not), ethics, etiquette, manners, appreciation, empathy, tolerance, fairness, compassion, generosity (of spirit as well as finances), honesty, ability to love and trust, respect, responsibility. And all of these qualities are born out of a strong and positive sense of self.
A Few Suggestions for Teaching Your Child About Character
Don't wait until your child is school-age or a teen-ager before you address character issues such as politeness, empathy and compassion. Even a 2-year-old can begin to learn to say "Please," "Thank you," "I'm sorry," "Excuse me," and "May I have that?" A 3-year-old can empathize with a child who is hurt or who doesn't have friends. A school-age child can understand why stealing is bad. A child of almost any age can grasp the benefits of helping others in need.
Studies show that steady attendance at a church, synagogue or mosque or other religious institution can be beneficial to children. If your family attends a specific institution, use it as an opportunity to teach about its history how it benefits you, your family and your community. Sometimes children don't get a chance to ask many questions. Some parents find it helpful and enjoyable to down on the couch and go through children's versions of their faith's basic tenets (they often learn things about their faith they didn't know). This approach can give children the precious time and freedom they need to ask questions, wonder and truly understand and absorb what they are being taught.
But you don't have to be "religious" to teach your children about religion, faith and spirituality. If your family doesn't attend a religious institution, you can still teach your child about tolerance of others' beliefs -- that disagreement doesn't have to equal dislike. If you would like to teach your child tolerance and understanding about the major religions of the world (and perhaps learn a few things yourself), one of the books we've enjoyed is "What I Believe : A Young Person's Guide to the Religions of the World" by Alan Brown and Andrew Langley.
Buy your children other age-appropriate books specifically dedicated to issues of morality, ethics, etiquette -- and discuss the information with them.
Articulate your values and judgments to your children. What seems obvious to us often goes right over someone else's head, so don't expect your children to magically pick up difficult ethical concepts from you. Take the time necessary to explain and reinforce what you do and why.
Praise your child for making good choices. Even toddlers can grasp that parents are proud of something they've done. Additionally, be gentle with your critiques; remember that no one's born knowing how to do the right thing. And when your older children misbehave, ask them to help choose the consequences.
Deal with your children gently. Your children will be much better able to make positive, life-affirming choices if they have a good sense of self to begin with. If you help them discover the beautiful, powerful person within, this person will help guide them for the rest of their life. Don't forget to regularly tell your child, "I love you." "I like you." "I'm glad you're here with me." "I would never stop loving you." "I would never leave you." "You're beautiful to me." "You're a good kid." "I know you try hard." "I appreciate you." and, when it's appropriate, "I'm sorry." Some research shows that children from loving homes are much more likely to step in to rescue someone or to help someone in need, while people from abusive or less loving homes were more likely to stand by and watch.
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Monitor the family's entertainment choices. Some people feel they have no voice in what their children do, but this is simply not so. Set rules and enforce them. Monitor what your children read, watch, play with and overhear. Monitor their friendships. Don't let them watch movies with violent or sexual content. Know what they're doing and with whom they're doing it. Initiate discussions, be available for questions, and don't laugh at them when they don't understand something. When reading books to or with children, take an extra few minutes to discuss the content, and don't be afraid to disagree with the characters or to judge the characters harshly. Sometimes, misbehaving characters aren't just the witches and crooks. For example, the Little Mermaid disobeys her father, Cinderella's prince wants to marry her before he even knows her name, and Rapunzel's parents steal lettuce and then agree to avoid punishment by giving their child to the witch. Encourage your children to offer opinions on what happened and how better behavior could have helped avoid the problem.
Set a good example. Give some thought to your values, and make sure that all the adults are (basically) in sync. Then act the way you want your children to act. Give the cashier back the change you were given in error. Let the other driver have the right of way. Don't make fun of people or gossip about them behind their back. Be a good friend. Don't lie, steal or cheat others. Don't swear or abuse drugs or alcohol in front of your children. Don't yell at the soccer coach. Treat your spouse and children with respect -- and be there for them. Tell them you love them. Let your children in on some of your decisions -- especially if the decisions were hard ones -- and tell them why you did what you did. Let them know they don't always have to agree with you, although they do have to obey your rules. Volunteer in the community. Apologize for your mistakes.
Talk to your children's caregivers and teachers -- Make sure that other influential adults in your child's life are teaching character lessons, and that their lessons are similar to yours. Encourage local schools to offer classes in morality, and encourage your children to participate, to ask questions and to think for themselves.
Play games in which you present a tough ethical situation, and let your children work out how they would handle it (there are games available that can give you ideas). Help them to see another viewpoint. Be careful about being judgmental, and about expecting too much for their age. The goal should be to give them food for thought -- so give them the "food," and then let them think.
Volunteer with your children in the community (see the Safer Child advocacy page for suggestions). This doesn't have to be hard, expensive, or a chore. Volunteering can be fun, simple, and enormously beneficial to your children. It will help your children appreciate what they have, plus it will allow them to both better understand and contribute to their community.
Donating: Your children can help pack up old toys, clothes and books for donating. They can help you buy gifts for donating at Christmas. They also can, if they want to, allocate a small portion of their allowance (with matching funds from you) to donate to a favorite charity.
Use daily events as a way to teach. This doesn't have to be done in a heavy, preachy manner; you can make it fun and lighthearted. But as you and your children go through your day, read the news, read books, watch television, go shopping, or play with friends -- take the time to make sure your children are consistently learning about character, not just going through the motions. Resist the temptation to always say: "Because I said so," and take the extra few minutes to explain why things must be done a certain way.
Do not bribe your children or pay them for behaving well. Children should learn to behave ethically because it's the right thing to do, not because they will be paid for it. Just remember that teaching these subtle lessons takes time and patience -- many adults haven't learned the lessons and never will. So your children will err -- try to avoid overreacting, and use the mistake as another opportunity to gently guide.
Allow your children to grow up. Your children will struggle to learn about responsibility, morality and ethics if you do everything for them or if you consistently protect them from the consequences of their actions. Let them be in charge in age-appropriate ways, and also allow them to suffer the consequences of poor decisions (unless doing so puts someone in physical or psychological danger).
Be there. Your lessons will fall on deaf ears if you aren't around enough to build the necessary bonds with your child. Be wary of the attitude that "quality time" is an OK substitute for "quantity time." Your child really wants and needs both. So be there -- listening and participating -- as much as you're able. Stay in touch with your child, and keep the lines of communication open. Once the door is slammed shut between you, it can be difficult to get it open again.
Obtain other helpful tips in books such as Teaching Your Children Values by Linda and Richard Eyre.
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Viewing wildlife in its natural habitat is a rewarding experience for both adults and kids. Yet curiosity and the quest for an exhilarating experience can easily lead to a situation in which the viewers or the wildlife are at risk. So whether you plan to spot bison in a North American national park, lions on an African safari, whales in a distant ocean or turtles on a sandy shore, brush up on your wildlife viewing etiquette and enhance your wildlife watching holidays.
Show Revere for Wildlife
The best way to prolong a wildlife watching experience is to avoid disturbing the birds and animals you are watching.
Approach wildlife slowly and maintain an appropriate distance.
Use binoculars and telephoto lenses to get a closer view.
Avoid flash photography.
Turn off headlights, car engines and alarms and cell phones.
Don’t chase or corner wildlife whether on foot or in a motorized vehicle.
Don’t touch, swim or feed wild animals and never goad them food.
Talk quietly; don’t make loud noises or imitate animal sounds.
Sit still and move slowly; don’t move your arms and legs about wildly or make sudden moves.
Leave your pets home.
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Respect for wildlife includes protecting its habitat.
Keep to existing roads, trails, and footpaths.
Leave no trace; remove litter and waste.
Don’t smoke; dry grass can easily ignite.
Take only photographs and memories with you; refrain from collecting or purchasing natural souvenirs, such as rocks, flowers and shells.
If you hire a guide or adventure travel company, be sure that they possess the requisite permits.
Respect the Rights of Others
In addition to understanding and following the rules set by your guide, a bit of common sense will ensure the wildlife tour is fun for everyone.
Ask before using someone else’s equipment be it binoculars or a field guide.
Consideration works both ways; show consideration for members of your group that linger to take the perfect photograph and be thoughtful of your companions that wish to keep moving.
Be conscious of where you sit, stand and walk. Avoid blocking your neighbors picture or view and don’t assume that you are the only person who likes to sit in the front seat; ask before getting in.
Respecting the rights of others goes beyond the individuals in your group or vehicle.
Don’t block traffic, use pull-outs but avoid making new ones.
Respect boundaries even if the wildlife you are watching doesn’t.
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Harder
Character deals with how people think and behave related to issues such as right and wrong, justice and equity, and other areas of human conduct.
Schools often have character education programs that focus on the qualities of character that are honored by most cultures and traditions. Character education is the development of knowledge, skills, and abilities that encourage children and young adults to make informed and responsible choices.
Ethics are a philosophical reflection of moral beliefs and practices. The Greek and Roman philosophers were particularly interested in discussions related to ethics. Religions and faiths each have their own ethical systems to guide their people. Ethical decision making involves the process of making informed decisions when faced with difficult dilemmas with many alternative solutions.
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Easier
Character is the combination of personal qualities that make each person unique. Teachers, parents, and community members help children build positive character qualities. For example, the six pillars of character are trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, caring, and citizenship.
Ethics is the study of human actions. It deals with issues such as defining "right and wrong" as well as the gray area in between. Ethics seeks answers to questions like what is "good behavior"and what should be valued?
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Ethics is a major branch of philosophy, encompassing right conduct and good life. It is significantly broader than the common conception of analyzing right and wrong. A central aspect of ethics is "the good life", the life worth living or life that is satisfying, which is held by many philosophers to be more important than moral conduct.
Morals
Ethics and morals are respectively akin to theory and practice. Ethics denotes the theory of right and wrong actions, while morals indicate their practice within guidelines. "Moral" has a dual meaning. The first indicates a person's comprehension of morality and that person's capacity to put it into practice. In this meaning, the antonym is "amoral", indicating an inability to distinguish between right and wrong. The second denotes the active practice of those values. In this sense, the antonym is "immoral", referring to actions that violate ethical principles.
Personal ethics signifies a moral code applicable to individuals, while social ethics means moral theory applied to groups. Social ethics can be synonymous with social and political philosophy, in as much as it is the foundation of a good society or state.
Ethics is not limited to specific acts and defined moral codes, but encompasses the whole of moral ideals and behaviors, a person's philosophy of life.
Greek philosophy
Socrates
Socrates was one of the first Greek philosophers to encourage both scholars and the common citizen to turn their attention from the outside world to the condition of man. Knowledge having a bearing on human life was placed highest, all other knowledge being secondary. Self-knowledge was considered necessary for success and inherently an essential good. A self-aware person will act completely within their capabilities to their pinnacle, while an ignorant person will flounder and encounter difficulty. To Socrates, a person must become aware of every fact (and its context) relevant to his existence, if he wishes to attain self-knowledge. He posited that people will naturally do what is good, if they know what is right. Evil or bad actions, are the result of ignorance. If a criminal were truly aware of the mental and spiritual consequences of his actions, he would neither commit nor even consider committing them. Any person who knows what is truly right will automatically do it, according to Socrates. While he equated knowledge with virtue, he similarly equated virtue with happiness. The truly wise man will know what is right, do what is good and therefore be happy.
Aristotle
Aristotle posited an ethical system that may be termed "self-realizationism". When a person acts in accordance with his nature and realizes his full potential, he will do good and be content. At birth, a baby is not a person, but a potential person. In order to become a "real" person, the child's inherent potential must be realized. Unhappiness and frustration are caused by the unrealized potential of a person, leading to failed goals and a poor life. Aristotle said, "Nature does nothing in vain." Therefore, it is imperative for persons to act in accordance with their nature and develop their latent talents, in order to be content and complete. Happiness was held to be the ultimate goal. All other things, such as civic life or wealth, are merely means to the end. Self-realization, the awareness of one's nature and the development of one's talents, is the surest path to happiness.
Aristotle asserted that man had three natures: vegetable (physical), animal (emotional) and rational (mental). Physical nature can be assuaged through exercise and care, emotional nature through indulgence of instinct and urges, and mental through human reason and developed potential. Rational development was considered the most important, as essential to philosophical self-awareness and as uniquely human. Moderation was encouraged, with the extremes seen as degraded and immoral. For example, courage is the moderate virtue between the extremes of cowardice and recklessness. Man should not simply live, but live well with conduct governed by moderate virtue. This is regarded as difficult, as virtue denotes doing the right thing, to the right person, at the right time, to the proper extent, in the correct fashion, for the right reason.
Hedonism
Hedonism posits that the principal ethic is maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain. There are several schools of Hedonist thought ranging from those advocating the indulgence of even momentary desires to those teaching a pursuit of spiritual bliss. In their consideration of consequences, they range from those advocating self-gratification regardless of the pain and expense to others, to those stating that the most ethical pursuit maximizes pleasure and happiness for the most people.
Cyrenaic hedonism
Founded by Aristippus, Cyrenaics supported immediate gratification. "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die." Even fleeting desires should be indulged, for fear the opportunity should be forever lost. There was little to no concern with the future, the present dominating in the pursuit for immediate pleasure. Cyrenaic hedonism encouraged the pursuit of enjoyment and indulgence without hesitation, believing pleasure to be the only good.
Epicureanism
Epicurus rejected the extremism of the Cyrenaics, believing some pleasures and indulgences to be detrimental to human beings. Epicureans observed that indiscriminate indulgence sometimes resulted in negative consequences. Some experiences were therefore rejected out of hand, and some unpleasant experiences endured in the present to ensure a better life in the future. The summum bonum, or greatest good, to Epicurus was prudence, exercised through moderation and caution. Excessive indulgence can be destructive to pleasure and can even lead to pain. For example, eating one food too often will cause a person to lose taste for it. Eating too much food at once will lead to discomfort and ill-health. Pain and fear were to be avoided. Living was essentially good, barring pain and illness. Death was not to be feared. Fear was considered the source of most unhappiness. Conquering the fear of death would naturally lead to a happier life. Epicurus reasoned if there was an afterlife and immortality, the fear of death was irrational. If there was no life after death, then the person would not be alive to suffer, fear or worry; he would be non-existent in death. It is irrational to fret over circumstances that do not exist, such as one's state in death in the absence of an afterlife.
Epictetus
The Stoic philosopher Epictetus posited that the greatest good was contentment and serenity. Peace of mind was of the highest value. Self-mastery over one's desires and emotions leads to spiritual peace. The "unconquerable will" is central to this philosophy. The individual will should be independent and inviolate. Allowing a person to disturb the mental equilibrium is in essence offering yourself in slavery. If a person is free to anger you at will, you have no control over your internal world, and therefore no freedom. Freedom from material attachments is also necessary. If a thing breaks, the person should not be upset, but realize it was a thing that could break. Similarly, if someone should die, those close to them should hold to their serenity because the loved one was made of flesh and blood destined to death. Stoic philosophy says to accept things that cannot be changed, resigning oneself to existence and enduring in a rational fashion. Death is not feared. People do not "lose" their life, but instead "return", for they are returning to God (who initially gave what the person is as a person). Epictetus said difficult problems in life should not be avoided, but rather embraced. They are spiritual exercises needed for the health of the spirit, just as physical exercise is required for the health of the body. He also stated that sex and sexual desire are to be avoided as the greatest threat to the integrity and equilibrium of a man's mind. Abstinence is highly desirable. Epictetus said remaining abstinent in the face of temptation was a victory for which a man could be proud.
Meta-ethics
Meta-ethics is concerned primarily with the meaning of ethical judgments and/or prescriptions and with the notion of which properties, if any, are responsible for the truth or validity thereof. Meta-ethics as a discipline gained attention with G.E. Moore's famous work Principia Ethica from 1903 in which Moore first addressed what he referred to as the naturalistic fallacy. Moore's rebuttal of naturalistic ethics, his Open Question Argument sparked an interest within the analytic branch of western philosophy to concern oneself with second order questions about ethics; specifically the semantics, epistemology and ontology of ethics.
The semantics of ethics divides naturally into descriptivism and non-descriptivism. The former position advocates the idea that prescriptive language (including ethical commands and duties) is a subdivision of descriptive language and has meaning in virtue of the same kind of properties as descriptive propositions, whereas the latter contends that ethical propositions are irreducible in the sense that their meaning cannot be explicated sufficiently in terms of truth-conditions.
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Correspondingly, the epistemology of ethics divides into cognitivism and non-cognitivism; a distinction that is often perceived as equivalent to that between descriptivists and non-descriptivists. Non-cognitivism may be understood as the claim that ethical claims reach beyond the scope of human cognition or as the (weaker) claim that ethics is concerned with action rather than with knowledge. Cognitivism can then be seen as the claim that ethics is essentially concerned with judgments of the same kind as knowledge judgments; namely about matters of fact.
The ontology of ethics is concerned with the idea of value-bearing properties, i.e. the kind of things or stuffs that would correspond to or be referred to by ethical propositions. Non-descriptivists and non-cognitivists will generally tend to argue that ethics do not require a specific ontology, since ethical propositions do not refer to objects in the same way that descriptive propositions do. Such a position may sometimes be called anti-realist. Realists on the other hand are left with having to explain what kind of entities, properties or states are relevant for ethics, and why they have the normative status characteristic of ethics.
Descriptive ethics
Descriptive ethics is a value-free approach to ethics which examines ethics not from a top-down a priori perspective but rather observations of actual choices made by moral agents in practice. Some philosophers rely on descriptive ethics and choices made and unchallenged by a society or culture to derive categories, which typically vary by context. This can lead to situational ethics and situated ethics. These philosophers often view aesthetics, etiquette, and arbitration as more fundamental, percolating "bottom up" to imply the existence of, rather than explicitly prescribe, theories of value or of conduct. The study of descriptive ethics may include examinations of the following:
Ethical codes applied by various groups. Some consider aesthetics itself the basis of ethics – and a personal moral core developed through art and storytelling as very influential in one's later ethical choices.
Informal theories of etiquette which tend to be less rigorous and more situational. Some consider etiquette a simple negative ethics, i.e. where can one evade an uncomfortable truth without doing wrong? One notable advocate of this view is Judith Martin ("Miss Manners"). According to this view, ethics is more a summary of common sense social decisions.
Practices in arbitration and law, e.g. the claim that ethics itself is a matter of balancing "right versus right," i.e. putting priorities on two things that are both right, but which must be traded off carefully in each situation.
Observed choices made by ordinary people, without expert aid or advice, who vote, buy, and decide what is worth valuing. This is a major concern of sociology, political science, and economics.
Applied ethics
Applied ethics is a discipline of philosophy that attempts to apply ethical theory to real-life situations. The lines of distinction between meta-ethics, normative ethics, and applied ethics are often blurry. For example, the issue of abortion can be seen as an applied ethical topic since it involves a specific type of controversial behaviour. But it can also depend on more general normative principles, such as possible rights of self-rule and right to life, principles which are often litmus tests for determining the morality of that procedure. The issue also rests on meta-ethical issues such as, "where do rights come from?" and "what kind of beings have rights?"
Another concept which blurs ethics is moral luck. A drunk driver may safely reach home without injuring anyone, or he might accidentally kill a child who runs out into the street while he is driving home. The action of driving while drunk is usually seen as equally wrong in each case, but its dependence on chance affects the degree to which the driver is held responsible.
Specific questions
Applied ethics is used in determining public policy. For example, the following would be questions of applied ethics: "Is getting an abortion immoral?" "Is euthanasia immoral?" "Is affirmative action right or wrong?" "What are human rights, and how do we determine them?" and "Do animals have rights as well?"
A more specific question could be: "If someone else can make better out of his/her life than I can, is it then moral to sacrifice myself for them if needed?" Without these questions there is no clear fulcrum on which to balance law, politics, and the practice of arbitration — in fact, no common assumptions of all participants—so the ability to formulate the questions are prior to rights balancing. But not all questions studied in applied ethics concern public policy. For example, making ethical judgments regarding questions such as, "Is lying always wrong?" and, "If not, when is it permissible?" is prior to any etiquette.
Post-Critique Ethics
The 20th Century saw a remarkable expansion of critical theory and its evolution. The earlier Marxist Theory created a paradigm for understanding the individual, society and their interaction. The Renaissance Enlightened Man had persisted up until the Industrial Revolution when the romantic vision of noble action began to fade. Humanism, which enshrined the nobility of man, lost validity particularly after the Great War and the Nazi Holocaust.
Modernism, exemplified in the literary works of Virginia Woolf and James Joyce wrote out God, then anti-humanists such as Louis Althusser and Michel Foucault and structuralist such as Roland Barthes presided over the death of the author and man himself. As critical theory developed in the later 20th century post-structuralism queried the very existence of reality. Jacques Derrida placed reality in the linguist realm stating ‘There is nothing outside the text’ while Jean Baudrillard theorised that signs and symbols or simulacra had usurped reality, particularly in the consumer world. This concept is explored in the postmodernist film Blade Runner.
Post-structuralism and postmodernism are both heavily theoretical and follow a fragmented, anti-authoritarian course which is absorbed in narcissistic and near nihilistic activities. Normative issues are generally ignored. This has led to some opponents of these later movements echoing the critic Jurgen Habermas who fears ‘that the postmodern mood represents a turning away from both political responsibilities and a concern for suffering’.
David Couzens Hoy says that Emmanuel Levinas’s writings on the face of the Other and Derrida’s mediations on the relevance of death to ethics are signs of the ‘ethical turn’ in Continental philosophy that occurs in the 1980’s and 1990’s. Hoy clarifies post-critique ethics as the ‘obligations that present themselves as necessarily to be fulfilled but are neither forced on one or are enforceable’.
This aligns with Australian philosopher Peter Singer’s thoughts on what ethics is not. He firstly claims it is not a moral code particular to a sectional group. For example it has nothing to do with a set of prohibitions concerned with sex laid down by a religious order. Neither is ethics a ‘system that is noble in theory but no good in practice’. For him it would be more of the reverse. He agrees that ethics is in some sense universal but in a utilitarian way it affords the ‘best consequences’ and furthers the interests of those affected.
Hoy in his post-critique model uses the term ethical resistance. Examples of this would be an individual’s resistance to consumerism in a retreat to a simpler but perhaps harder lifestyle, or an individual’s resistance to a terminal illness. Hoy describes it in his book Critical Resistance as an individual’s engagement in social or political resistance. He provides Levinas’s account as ‘not the attempt to use power against itself, or to mobilise sectors of the population to exert their political power; the ethical resistance is instead the resistance of the powerless.
Hoy concludes that The ethical resistance of the powerless others to our capacity to exert power over them is therefore what imposes unenforceable obligations on us. The obligations are unenforceable precisely because of the other’s lack of power. That actions are at once obligatory and at the same time unenforceable is what put them in the category of the ethical. Obligations that were enforced would, by the virtue of the force behind them, not be freely undertaken and would not be in the realm of the ethical.
In present day terms the powerless may include the unborn, the terminally sick, the aged, the insane, and animals. It is in these areas that ethical action will be evident. Until legislation or state apparatus enforces a moral order that addresses the causes of resistance these issues will remain in the ethical realm. For example, should animal experimentation become illegal in a society, it will no longer be an ethical issue. Likewise one hundred and fifty hundred years ago, not having a black slave in America may have been an ethical choice. This later issue has been absorbed into the fabric of a more utilitarian social order and is no longer an ethical issue but does of course constitute a moral concern. Ethics are exercised by those who possess no power and those who support them, through personal resistance.
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